I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
