physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
