I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
