I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
