apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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