Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize