So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
