Your face is a jimmy john
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
