yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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