Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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