he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
