Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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