Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
