four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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