Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
