too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
