thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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