my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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