Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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