I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
