I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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