gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
