Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize