I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
