I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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