so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
