You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
