Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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