I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
