Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
