U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize