U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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