how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
