Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
