Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
