I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
