If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
