Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
