i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
