my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
