Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
