Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
