Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
