i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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