Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
