How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
