I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
