I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
