if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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