I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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