The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
