I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
