she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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