just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
