You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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