I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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