I have demons in me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We got so high we made milksteak
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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