Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
