shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
