I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
