Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
