I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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