and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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