There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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