Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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