Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
