there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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