Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
