Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dont even know how to be here
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
