My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
