I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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